We hoped for forever and we got 9 months and 5 days of it.
Looking at it in paper, what we had doesn’t even look all that much compared to the 2 decades I lived without you in my life. I ate, watch movies, made it through all the struggles, and experienced happiness without knowing you exist. But I must admit, your existence made life all the more colorful for me. Suddenly, everything’s more vivid, the present more vibrant and the future seemed clearer. And your absence? Well your absence felt like Earth turning it’s face against the sun and covering the world with darkness. That’s how it felt like for me in the first few days. But then in the darkness, there I saw all the stars that were shining, trying to reach out to me. My friends cheering me up, my best friends getting angry at you for me ‘cos I couldn’t, my dad who talked to me and tried to make me understand what this heartbreak is for, my mom who understood my silence and showered her broken child with love, my brother who teased me like usual but with noticeable care in his tone accompanied by an off laughter, and my faith, which held me together and kept me from breaking down.
The end was terrible and all things ugly for me. But despite my brokenness, I’m genuinely glad that you made it out unscathed, unbroken, and untouched. I’m glad you can smile, eat, go out with family and friends without having to pretend that you’re fine when all you actually feel like is throwing up and crying your heart out. I’m glad you’re not like me who sees a 5-letter name and feels like she’s been gutted, or hears that tweeting iPhone ringtone and stares at her phone feeling like her stomach’s been stirred. I’m glad you didn’t love me, ‘cos if you have, you won’t be safe from this pain.
9 months and 5 days don’t seem like much. It seems far too short if put like that actually. But 9 months and 5 days of being yours is by far the happiest I’ve been in a relationship. You showed me just how intense love feels like. My sport heart has proven me just how capable it is of giving that kind of love—intense, pure and unconditional. My heart loved a stranger and got broken by the love of its life and yet, it is still beating hopefully for a redemption from pain.
I’ve started healing now. It won’t take me forever to totally let go of our little infinity. Maybe you think I hate you or I simply don’t care anymore. That’s not true. I care way too much and I couldn’t hate you. If anything, I’m grateful for you and for the love you showed me, I won’t question the authenticity of it anymore. I’ll remember our little infinity through how I experienced it, and from my perspective, which was beautiful. Truly beautiful. So I guess, we’re now just strangers with a beautiful tragic history. For all the beautiful days, thank you and good bye.