It’s been 5 days of no communication now—the longest silence we’ve had since we started dating two years ago. This just means that the last fight we had might actually really be the last.
Our relationship started out like the best stories to ever exist. I remember the late night phone calls, then waking up the next morning to find the phone still on my ear. I remember that twisting feeling in my stomach when you first asked me out on a date. I remember the feel of your hands when you held mine, the way you said my name when we’re alone, and how beautiful your eyes are when seen up close. I remember hearing you say I am your first love and that you won’t do anything to end “us”. But here we are now—separated because you broke your promises.
You knew right from the beginning what I didn’t want you to do. I said no more smoking for you and no more lying to each other. You promised you wouldn’t do anything to ruin us. I trusted you. Every thing you said, I believed it—and that’s what hurts the most. I believed everything you said even when the lies are obvious. I can smell and taste the cigarette in your breath when we kissed, you know. I kept quiet because if I open the subject, you’d be mad and say that I’m so annoying for saying stupid stuff, or you’ll put on your sweetest voice and remind me that you wouldn’t do anything that would hurt me. So like a naive, love-struck girl, I believed you. All these little frustrating lies are what broke us apart—not the cigarette. You could’ve been honest with me, but you didn’t. Instead, you chose to feed me with lies because you were so afraid to hurt me. Guess what I felt when I learned that you didn’t keep your promise and has been lying to me for almost 2 years? Well I’ll tell you what I felt. I felt confused, broken, tired and sick of hearing sorry and excuses, so I said goodbye.
Thinking back, you weren’t the only one at fault. I was to blame too. We both made mistakes—mine was trying to change you. I was wrong to think that I should save you from who you are and help you change to the person I think you should be. I was wrong. Only you can tell who you want to be and that changing yourself is only possible if you’re the one who actually wants it. For trying to change you, I’m sorry. I realized that if I can’t accept you for who you are, I should just say goodbye. Because someone out there might love you with no reservations and no conditions. You deserve to be accepted and I let you go so you can find it from someone else.
I hope when our roads intersect again after some years, you’ve already established who you are and you’re happy.
I’m sorry if we weren’t meant to be. Maybe I’m just the girl who’s supposed to be the first—first date, first hug, first fight, first kiss, first love and first broken heart—not the last.
Be brave and happy, Panda.