Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers died at 81.

Melissa Rivers, Joan’s daughter announced the news on Thursday that her mother had died,

“It is with great sadness that I announce the death of my mother, Joan Rivers. She passed peacefully at 1:17 p.m. surrounded by family and close friends. My son and I would like to thank the doctors, nurses, and staff of Mount Sinai Hospital for the amazing care they provided for my mother. We have found ourselves humbled by the outpouring of love, support and prayers we have received from around the world. They have been heard and appreciated. My mother’s greatest joy in life was to make people laugh. Although that is difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon.”

Rivers left a comic legacy lasting for more than 50 years. Know for her acerbic wit and tactless sense of humor, Joan was never afraid to make fun of herself, and her numerous plastic surgery procedures.

QVC 5th Annual Red Carpet Style Event

Her jokes often were about her mother, her romantic partners, exercise habits and other celebrities like Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson, and Liza Minelli.

In 2012, Rivers planned her own funeral through her own book, “I Hate Everyone… Starting with Me.”

“When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes, Melissa, everything’s in your name), I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action…I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I don’t want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents,” Rivers added. “I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing ‘Mr. Lonley.’ I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And i want a wind machine so that even in the casket” her hair would be “blowing just like Beyonce’s”

Let us remember Joan Rivers with these best Joan Rivers quotes:

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.”

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“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

All I ever heard when I was a kid was, ‘Why can’t you be more like your cousin Sheila?’ And Sheila had died at birth.”

“I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.”

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“You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.”

“At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!”

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”

“My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.”

“Grandchildren can be so fucking annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”

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“You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”

“I can’t wear yellow anymore. It’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter.”

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

“I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”

“I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.”

At the Logies in 2006: “I don’t know why the f— I’m here. I know you’re all famous, and I hope you all win, [but] I don’t know who you are.”

“I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963.”

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“I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects.”

“A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.”

“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”

“I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, ‘I don’t believe it.'”

“Half of all marriages end in divorce – and then there are the really unhappy ones.”

“My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”

“Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born … he should have been there when it was conceived.”

“Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'”

“I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.'”

“My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.”

“The funniest [writer] in person but rather boring on the page is, hands down, Leo Tolstoy. If I hear one more time: ‘How many czars does it take to change a light bulb? None; they didn’t have them in those days,’ I think I’ll scream!”

“The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.”

“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”

“The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.”

“I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”

 

 

Rudolph Musngi

Rudolph is the mind that spawned this mischief. He is purely evil and loves to plot evil things. He pretends for a living. Everyday he goes to work and faces the world like he's the nicest guy ever.

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